Truthfulness and honesty are two values that most parents want their children to develop. The story of "the boy who cried wolf" contains an important lesson for teaching children to be truthful: If people lie all the time, no one will believe them when they tell the truth. Parents can also reward their children for telling them the truth.

To emphasize the importance of honestly, parents should never tolerate stealing, even of small items. Make sure young children understand the difference between what is theirs and what belongs to others. Help them to respect boundaries, for instance, by knocking on doors before entering another person's room.

Parents must begin to instill values such as kindness, politeness, respect for differences, truthfulness, and honesty from the time children are very small. Because children learn from what they hear and from observation, parents need to examine their own values and set a good example. The values youngsters learn will inoculate them against the negative aspects of peer pressure when they reach the teen years.

HELPING YOUR CHILD DEVELOP VALUES

Some other steps parents can take to help children develop values include the following:

• Don't allow kids to run down themselves or others verbally. Though it's good to laugh at yourself and acknowledge your weaknesses once in a while, repeated sarcasm and ridicule erode a person's confidence.

• Let kids know that everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings but that people aren't entitled to act on their feelings in a way that hurts someone else. Being upset or angry does not give children a license to hurt others.

• Emphasize ways people are alike rather than ways they are different. Point out that differences do not necessarily mean that the person is inferior.

• Encourage your child to become more sensitive to others by helping someone who is in need. For example, the child could shovel snow or mow the lawn for a neighbor who is elderly or disabled.

• Set an example for your children by paying special attention to a friend or family member who needs cheering up. Perhaps you could serve a favorite meal for that person or take him or her to the movies.

• Help your child develop self-esteem so he or she won't need to ridicule others in order to feel powerful. It's important to capitalize on children's strengths and foster skills that will help them feel good about themselves as they move toward adolescence.

• Keep a close watch on your child's academic performance. Reading problems or difficulties with core subjects can create low self-esteem and make a child the target of teasing from classmates.

• Respect your child when you discipline him or her. Don't punish kids in front of other people. That hurts them and makes them vengeful.

Talking to your child about treating others kindly isn't always enough. Children have to learn through experience how to show concern for other people, understand others' opinions, and empathize with other people's feelings. Here are some ways to help kids learn these habits.

• Caring for an animal helps teach children love, affection, and protectiveness.

• Have a family member play devil's advocate by making a controversial statement occasionally during family discussions. This gets across the point that people view issues very differently and that it's important to respect others' opinions.

• Pretending to walk in someone else's shoes helps children imagine another person's feelings and views.

WHY ARE SOME CHILDREN SO UNKIND?

"Kids don't like me. No one wants to be my friend," said Joanie, a shy nine-year-old whose parents sought help from a family service agency. Joanie was the target of ridicule from other children because she was chubby and wore glasses.

A child who picks on other kids may have low self-esteem. Children who don't feel good about themselves compensate by assuming power or control over others. By making fun of other people, these kids bolster their own sense of self-worth.

Also, kids who are perceived as different are often the targets of ridicule. Many children feel uncomfortable with others who "don't fit in," and ridicule is how they cope with their discomfort.

But differences among kids can be minor. The wrong sneakers or an unusual hairstyle can bring on insults from classmates or peers.

FOR HELP WITH FAMILY PROBLEMS OR FOR ANY OTHER PROBLEM CALL YOUR LOCAL FAMILY SERVICE AGENCY. CALL FAMILY SERVICE AMERICA (800-221-2681) FOR THE FAMILY SERVICE AGENCY NEAR YOU.

FAMILY COUNSELING SERVICE
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201-445-7015

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MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN 53224

© 1996 Families International, Inc. All rights reserved. Based on material written by Eleanor Gilman for Children's Aid and Family Services, Hackensack, New Jersey.