Withholding favors or privileges from teenagers works better than meting out punishments that are difficult to enforce. A parent can certainly refuse to turn over his or her car keys to a defiant 17-year old. But a father who informs his son that the boy is grounded for a week must work hard to enforce his punishment-a difficult task for a working parent who can't function as a full-time jailer.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES FOR BAD BEHAVIORS

Punishments need to be enforceable. They should also "fit the crime." In other words, punishments should be logical consequences for the misbehavior. For Andrew, abusiveness in the car resulted in a long walk to school. Similarly, a teen who comes home late after a party or with liquor on his or her breath shouldn't be allowed to go to the next party. Taking away the teenager's allowance, on the other hand, would have no connection to the behavior.

After parents determine that a punishment is appropriate, they must act decisively and in unison to follow through with the plan. Parents should always wait until they've calmed down before handing out a punishment. Anger causes people to say things they may regret or make threats they can't carry out.

One mother lost control when she came home from work to a big mess that her teenage daughter had promised to clean up. Her daughter said, "I'll clean it up in a few minutes." Furious and frustrated, the mother picked up the clothes strewn all over the floor, yelling, "No TV for a week!"

Sixteen-year-old Andrew was furious with his mother, who refused to let him attend a party with a group of kids who she knew used drugs. The two had battled over this issue before, their fights always ending with both of them upset and screaming. Andrew would vow to join his friends despite her protests. His mother threatened to ground him for months, a punishment she knew she couldn't enforce. But one day, she tried a different tactic. While driving Andrew to school, the party issue came up. Andrew launched his characteristic tirade of abusive language at her. This time, though, his mother merely pulled the car over, turned off the engine, and told her son to get out. Stunned, Andrew waited a few minutes. Then he got out, slammed the door, and walked to school.

Later, she realized that the punishment didn't fit her daughter's misbehavior. What's more, she knew she couldn't monitor her daughter's activity at home while she was at the office.

FAMILY WELLNESS

In the heat of the moment, parents sometimes impose consequences that are not only illogical but are too severe for the misbehaviors. For example, threatening to throw your teen's clothes into the garage or into the street may seem justifiable when you're angry but it won't make much sense later.

Take a few minutes to cool down and control your anger. The mother in our example might have left the room for a few minutes so she could calm down, then returned to say, "I'm disappointed that the room is still a mess. You have a choice: You can straighten it up now or volunteer for some other household chore now."

WHEN TO HOLD FIRM AND WHEN TO NEGOTIATE

A parent doesn't always have to impose punishments to maintain authority. Negotiation can be an effective option with adolescents whose misbehaviors are minor. But for this technique to work, parents have to decide before-hand what issues are negotiable.

Some situations aren't negotiable because they involve a teen's safety or key family values. Parents need to remain firm on the important issues and be open to negotiation on the smaller ones. You adolescent will be less defensive and more cooperative if he or she knows that you are reasonable and fair over some issues, even though other more important family rules are not open for negotiation.

SOME TIPS TO KEEP IN MIND

• Be conscious of your own mood and how you're reacting to your child. Don't try to discipline your teenager if you're out of control yourself.

• Strictly enforce family rules that matter, such as underage drinking and school truancy. Be flexible on the less important issues, such as what time to be home on special occasions, style of dress, or the "mess" in your teen's room.

• Involve your adolescent in setting rules and limits, explaining your reasons for restricting particular activities. Expect your teen to challenge these rules from time to time, but don't give in unless you believe it's appropriate to do so.

• Both parents must be in agreement when setting guidelines for their teenager. If one is more tolerant of acting-out behavior than the other, the child may play that parent against the other in a manipulative way. Couples should discuss disciplinary issues alone and reach consensus before confronting the teen.

• If you become frustrated and confused about disciplining your teen, take heart. You aren't alone. Consult the experts at you local family service agency or your child's school. And trust your instincts; often they are your best guide.

On top of all this, parents worry about being unfair to their children and are uncomfortable with their children's anger. Many parents question their own judgment and are uneasy about setting limits.

Remember, children respond to structure and firmness. If parents are reasonable, children will usually cooperate.

For help with discipline problems or for any other problem call your local family service agency. Call Family Service America (800-221-2681) for the family service agency near you.

FAMILY COUNSELING SERVICE
148 PROSPECT STREET
RIDGEWOOD, N.J. 07450
201-445-7015

FAMILY SERVICE AMERICA, INC.
11700 WEST LAKE PARK DRIVE
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN 53224

© 1996 Families International, Inc. All rights reserved. Based on material written by Eleanor Gilman for Children's Aid and Family Services, Hackensack, New Jersey.