Anger must be expressed appropriately. When parents don't understand their own anger, they may deal with their children's anger inappropriately. Parents may become punitive or lose control of the situation.

Anger has to be focused and channeled into problem solving or resolution.

WHERE DOES ANGER COME FROM?

Anger in children is often a defense against feelings and sadness. An expert states, 'It's easier for children to be mad than sad, because sadness is associated with loss and helplessness." Parents should recognize that an angry child may be experiencing some sadness or loss. Perhaps he or she fought with a friend recently or missed an important sporting event at school. Anger may be a reaction to feelings of powerlessness.

Anger also arises from frustration, hurt, disappointment, provocation, and perceived physical, or psychological threats. Anger arises from our perception of a situation. "You make me so angry" is an incorrect statement. No one can make you angry. You react angrily. A more accurate statement would be "I get so angry when you come home late from school."

Mastering anger, knowing that you can have the feelings of anger without acting aggressively, is liberating and reassuring for you and your children.

"ANGER IN CHILDREN IS OFTEN A DEFENSE AGAINST FEELINGS OF SADNESS AND MAY BE A REACTION TO FEELING OF POWERLESSNESS."

ANGER IS O.K. - AGRESSION ISN'T

Parents need to remember that it's O.K. to feel angry but not to act aggressively. Here are several methods for getting that message across to an angry child.

• Separate the child's behavior from his or her character. If your daughter is tossing her toys against the wall say, "I don't like it when you throw things," rather than, "You're a bad girl."

• Accept the child's feelings. When a child comes home from school angry at his or her best friend, many parents instinctively say, "Calm down. Try not to be so mad." But the child is angry, and that emotion should not be ignored. Instead, acknowledge the child's emotions by saying, "I see that you are very angry." Even a very young child can learn that the feeling of anger is separate from the expression of aggression. Parents can say things such as "It's O.K. to be angry, but it's not O.K. to hit your brother."

• Interpret the behavior. For instance, tell a frustrated child struggling with a puzzle, "You're getting angry because you can't get the puzzle piece to fit." Help the child understand his or her feelings.

• Avoid involving children is anger-provoking situations. Long hours of shopping department stores, entertainment inappropriate to their age level, and even birthday parties that are too elaborate can overstimulate and frustrate children.

• Use humor to defuse anger. Just be sure that the humor is positive and not sarcastic or demeaning to the child.

• Set clear limits on children's behavior. Children respond to limits. It's acceptable to feel angry, but not to trash their room, verbally abuse their mother, or hit their sister.

• Tolerate inappropriate by harmless behavior. Let your child express his or her angry feelings. One good way to stop inappropriate behavior that is not harmful to others is simply to ignore it.

• Set an example by handling your own anger effectively. For instance, your daughter has dawdled coming home from school. As a result, she won't have time to walk the dog and finish her homework. You're furious at her procrastination. Neither suppressing your anger nor exploding is constructive behavior. Instead, express what you're feeling, what needs to be accomplished, and what can be done to resolve the situation.

Your child comes home from school angry and grabs the toy truck that the baby was playing with peacefully just moments before. The baby starts to cry. The child zooms around the room with the toy. All three of you are angry now.

Some people think that anger is bad and should always be suppressed. Others believe that anger is liberating and should be expressed openly.

A family counselor states, "Neither of these two extremes is constructive. Some people repress their anger, fearing that it will translate into action. They confuse anger (a feeling) with aggression (an act). Because of this confusion, they feel threatened by anger. But anger is a basic human emotion and repressing it can be destructive. It's important to remember that feelings never hurt. Behavior can hurt. You can give yourself permission to feel anger."

FOR HELP IN DEALING WITH ANGER- YOURS OR YOUR CHILDREN'S- OR FOR ANY OTHER PROBLEM CALL YOUR LOCAL FAMILY SERVICE AGENCY. CALL FAMILY SERVICE AMERICA (800-221-2681) FOR THE FAMILY SERVICE AGENCY NEAR YOU.

FAMILY COUNSELING SERVICE
148 PROSPECT STREET
RIDGEWOOD, N.J. 07450
201-445-7015

FAMILY SERVICE AMERICA, INC.
11700 WEST LAKE PARK DRIVE
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN 53224

© 1996 Families International, Inc. All rights reserved. Based on material written by Eleanor Gilman for Children's Aid and Family Services, Hackensack, New Jersey.