Below are some emotional factors from the parents' side
that can make for rough going in an adoptive family. All are just twists on
what can happen in birth families. Often, women experience these feelings
sooner and possibly more acutely than men, for whom these issues may not
arise until the child is older. Regardless of who feels them more strongly,
parents need to recognize them when they occur. These issues can have a real
impact on the family if no one is aware they are happening.
- Infertility unacknowledged as a loss.
- Fear of failing to love the child.
- Fear of failing to meet the child's needs.
- Fear that the child will not meet your need to have
someone be like you. This fear is seldom expressed before adoption and
often does not arise until the child begins to express him/herself as an
individual.
- Inability to deal with the child's statement that you
would love a birth child more than you love him/her.
- Fear that the child will love his/her birth parents
more than he/she loves you.
- Not understanding that it is natural to feel ambivalent
about the child's birth parents - sometimes feeling gratitude, sometimes
empathy for their loss, and sometimes fear or a sense of competition.
*Taken from the book "Real Parents, Real Children" by
Holly vanGulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb. Published by The Crossroads
Publishing Company, NYC
The difference between parenting a child born to the
family and parenting a child who joined the family through adoption is in
the following:
- recognizing the impact of the child's experience of
separation from his/her birth parents, whether s/he actually knew them or
not, and the permanent change in destiny, even if for the better, from the
life the child would have had;
- helping the child understand and come to terms with
these issues and her/his feelings about them;
- helping the child find appropriate ways to express
his/her feelings;
- learning how to deal with problematic or unhealthy
manifestations of these issues;
- recognizing and coming to terms with our own unresolved
issues, especially those related to our childhoods and fertility or
infertility; and
- accepting the child's unique genetic endowment and the
lack of a genetic connection to ourselves.
*Taken from the book "Real Parents, Real Children" by
Holly vanGulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb. Published by The Crossroads
Publishing Company, NYC
Emotional Needs:
- I need help in recognizing my adoption loss and
grieving it.
- I need to be assured that my birth parents' decision
not to parent me had nothing to do with anything defective in me.
- I need help in learning to deal with my fears of
rejection - to learn that absence doesn't mean abandonment, or a closed
door that I have done something wrong.
- I need permission to express all my adoption feelings
and fantasies.
Educational Needs:
- I need to be taught that adoption is both wonderful and
painful, presenting lifelong challenges for everyone involved.
- I need to know my adoption story first, then my birth
story and birth family.
- I need to be taught healthy ways for getting my special
needs met.
- I need to be prepared for hurtful things others may say
about adoption and about me as an adoptee.
Validation Needs:
- I need validation of my dual heritage (biological and
adoptive).
- I need to be assured often that I am welcome and
worthy.
- I need to be reminded often by my adoptive parents that
they delight in my biological differences and appreciate my birth family's
unique contribution to our family through me.
Parental Needs:
- I need parents who are skillful at meeting their own
emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free
to focus on my development, rather than taking care of them.
- I need parents who are willing to put aside
preconceived notions about adoption and be educated about the realities of
adoption and the special needs adoptive families face.
- I need to hear my parents openly express feelings about
infertility and adoption, thus producing a bond of intimacy between us.
- I need my adoptive and birth parents to have a
non-competitive attitude. Without this, I will struggle with loyalty
issues.
Relational Needs:
- I need friendships with other adoptees.
- I need to be taught that there is a time to consider
searching for my birth family and a time to give up searching.
- I need to be reminded that if I am rejected by my birth
family, the rejection is symptomatic of their dysfunction not mine.
Spiritual Needs:
- I need to be taught that my life narrative began before
I was born and that my life is not a mistake.
- I need to be taught that in this broken, hurting world
loving families are formed through adoption as well as birth.
- I need to be taught that I have intrinsic, immutable
value as a human being.
- I need to accept the fact that some of my adoption
questions will never be answered in this life.
*Taken from the book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish
Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. Published by Dell
Publishing.
Seven Core Issues of Adoption – Effects on Each Member of the Triad
(Summarized from an article in “NACAC Speakers Describe Seven Core
Issues of
Adoption:
in The Adopted Child, October 1989, Vol.8. No. 10)
|
Issue |
Adoptee |
Birth
Parent |
Adoptive
Parent |
Loss
All in the triad experience the issue of loss |
Loss of birth
family |
Loss of the
biological child |
Loss of a child
never naturally conceived |
Rejection
People think they suffered loss because they are unworthy of having what
they lost |
"Sense of
worthlessness and defeated," fear they will be rejected by their adopted
parent(s), often affects future relationships |
Feel unworthy
to be a parent |
Think their
bodies rejected them, fear about being rejected by their spouse, fear
that adopted child will reject them |
Guilt and
Shame
Some believe that something is intrinsically wrong with themselves to
have caused the loss and feel shame that others may know this. Shame:
feeling that there is a defect in one's self. Guilt: feeling related to
one's behavior. The triad is filled with shame for what they cannot
overcome. |
Feelings stem
from the belief that they never were perfect enough to avoid the
rejection by their biological parent or possibly to avoid rejection from
the adoptive parent. |
Feelings of
guilt and shame stem from having placed a child up for adoption or for
not trying harder to parent the child. |
Feeling of
shame over their infertility and also may struggle that if their adopted
child has "problems" then they are not good enough parents. |
Grief
Everyone does gain in adoption, which often makes it hard to grieve the
natural losses that brought each person to this point. Five stages of
grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression/Sadness, Acceptance |
Usually not
encouraged to grieve, often the child does not understand the loss,
"loyalty issues" - not wanting to hurt or reject the adoptive parent. |
May keep the
placement a secret; fear others reaction to the placement so few support
the grieving process, difficulty arise internally when asked questions
such as "how many children do you have?" |
Need to deal
with not conceiving a child. Need to support child's grieving yet often
fear that the birth family will come to reclaim the child or will be
rejected by the child so may keep the adoption a secret, both interfere
with natural grieving process for family. |
Identity
Is established by knowing who we are and what we are not. |
Often
experiences the loss of their biological identity; they assimilate into
their "new family", a "sense of playing role." Usually lack their
complete historical information or have a negative story, both impacts
on self image. The lack of their sense of belonging often results in
"people pleasing" behaviors to assure a sense of belonging. |
May never claim
their full parenthood. |
Questions
whether they really are a parent if they did not conceive their child.
Also experiences the loss of connections to future generations since
loss of procreation. |
Intimacy
Hard to get close to someone if confused about one's own identity. |
Often fears the
chance of loss if they get too close. May come difficult when adoptee is
to have a family since they do not know what they will genetically pass
on. |
Since a
relationship may have resulted in placing their child for adoption, may
fear intimacy because it can lead to yet another loss. |
Often
infertility treatment robs couple of intimacy. Also may guard themselves
from getting too close to ward off being rejected by the child. |
Control
All those involved in adoption may have had to give up their control.
The loss of one's sense of control can have long-term effects. |
Usually does
not have a choice about the adoption; too young or not consulted. Often
can lead to the lack of understanding the nature of "cause and effect"
which leads to the inability to take responsibility for their behavior |
May emerge from
the adoption feeling victimized and powerless. |
Often
experience that the infertility and subsequent treatments still cause
things to be beyond their control. This experience can affect their
parenting style - ie. authoritarian |
| Age Range |
Erikson's Psychosocial Tasks |
Social & Cognitive Issues |
Adoption Related Issues |
Infancy
0-1 year |
Trust vs. Mistrust |
- Trust requires feelings of physical comfort with
minimal amount of fear about future.
- Needs are met by a sensitive caretaker/mirroring
- Bonding, consistency and predictability
|
- Baby adjusts to new caretakers, new home
- Develops a secure attachment, especially in cases
of delayed placement
- Couple adjusts to new parenthood
|
Toddlerhood & Preschool
2-5 years |
Independence vs. Dependence
(Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt) |
- Attachment and separation behaviors
- Child learns how to get needs met
- Child assumes more responsibility
- Imaginative play/magical thinking
- Widening social circle/attends preschool, child
care
- Begins to develop concept of right and wrong
|
- Hears initial information about adoption
- Starts to learn basics about birth and reproduction
- Recognizes difference in physical appearance
|
Middle Childhood
6-10 years |
Industry vs. Inferiority |
- Moves from imaginative play to skills of intellect
- Peer relationships develop
- Desire to conform - what's the same, what's
different
- More logical thought process, concerned with rules
- Develops fundamental skills in reading, writing,
calculating
|
- Further exploration of the meaning and implications
of being adopted
- Searches for answers regarding one's origin and
reason for adoption
- Copes with physical differences from family members
|
Adolescence
11-19 years |
Ego Identity vs. Identity Diffusion |
- Learns who they are, what they stand for, where
they are going - trying on different roles
- Achieves independence from one's family
- Accepts one's physical appearance
- Continued intellectual/physical development
- Acquires and consolidates values to guide behavior
|
- Further exploration of what it means to be adopted
- Connects adoption to one's sense of identity
- Copes with issues of difference and consolidating
racial/ethnic identity
- Resolves family romance fantasy - to search or not
to search
- Copes with adoption related loss
|
Young Adulthood
23-30 years |
Intimacy vs. Isolation |
- Gets started in an occupation
- Prepares for marriage and parenthood
- Takes on civic responsibilities
|
- Implications of adoption as it relates to growth of
self and the development of intimacy
- Considers searching for birth parents
- Adjusts to parenthood in light of one's adoption
experience
- Faces one's unknown genetic history in the context
of having children
|
Stages of Adoptive Family
Adjustment
(Adapted from
a research study by Dr. Ellen Pinderhughes, “Toward Understanding Family
Readjustment Following Older Child Adoptions” Vanderbilt University, 1996)
| Stage of Adjustment |
Family Affect |
Family and Child Behavior |
Coping Skills |
Stressors |
Resources |
| Honeymoon/Anticipation |
Excited, positive |
Initially cautious, now comfortable interactions |
Strategies seem adequate |
Low amounts of stress |
Intrafamilial seems adequate, extrafamilial may or
may not be adequate or seen as needed. |
| Ambivalence/Resistance |
Dissatisfaction with relationship, increased tension
in relationship, may regret adoption, feels guilty |
Distancing from child, child increases testing |
More rigid, blaming child or agency, or other parties
involved |
High amounts of stress, source is mostly related to
child and placement |
Family system clearly strained, outside resources
perceived as unwilling or ineffective often refuses support and services |
| Reciprocal Interaction/ Accomodation |
Moves toward more positive relationship, however
remains tentative |
Behaviors on part of child still tentative, perceived
more positively by parents |
Family members begin willingness to change and adapt
to meet child's needs |
Level of stress still up moderately, some negative
stress due to placement adjustment |
Intrafamilial and outside resources viewed as
adequate and helpful, family willing to receive support and services |
| Bond Solidification/ Restabilization |
Mutually positive, yet realistic |
All members are changing attitudes and response to
each other |
Highly adaptive responsive |
Stress level decreased, source is both placement and
nonplacement related |
Family feels confident as a system and also is
willing to reach out for support and services on long term basis |
They are the sons and daughters of Life's
longing for itself.
They came through you, but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You can give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You can house their bodies but not their soul,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not
even in your dreams.
You can strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with
His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
--Kahlil Gilbran, The Prophet
|
